January 28, 2018: Soon.

I’m here
She says
I’m here and open and pouring out blood for you
My heart will stay with you now

I’m here
She says

Time passes
Love flows and falls, and dries, and
Changes

Trying to paint an image of the future
She’s sure he’ll add his colours soon

I will
He says
I will create that picture together with you
My life will live with you now

I will
He says

Time passes
Hope rises and falls, and waits, and
Changes

Standing at the door, unsure of how to move
He’s sure he’ll be ready to paint again soon

Soon
They say

October 7, 2014: Goodbye

I miss you

But I cannot miss you anymore

I love you

But I cannot tell you so

And all I want are your arms around me again
But to have that now would only cause more pain

Never again will you look at me ‘that way’
Never again will you know exactly what to say
Never again will your warmth sleep by my side
Never again will you kiss my tears goodbye

So for now

I do not miss you
And never will again
I do not love you
My love will be for other men

With these words for now I say goodbye
Perhaps one day they will not be a lie

September 10, 2013: A Self Reflection

Self reflection
We hear this term often in school
Where we must explain our goals
Strengths, weaknesses
“This is where I’d like to improve…”
And every year it’s the same
“Name an area you think you will excel…”
I never took them seriously but
well, maybe teachers know more than we believe
When they say these sheets we called silly
Will continue to help us achieve anything

I sit here reflecting on who I have become
And from this I’ve gathered only disappointments
Because the last while all I’ve heard are can’ts and
don’t wants and no time to do this or thats
So I look around and yes, there they are:

I have achieved that I cannot do anything,
There is nothing I truly, passionately want to do,
and I have a multitude of time to complete nothing.

If you want to hear something funny,
move on from this little blurb because I mean what I write word for word
I cannot be more honest when I say
I have seen the present me, who will influence the future me
And she is no idol I would want any daughter to follow

She is not who I want to be.

I’m trying to swallow this right now
How I got here, why I didn’t see it coming
It’s like I’ve been running from the future
avoiding big responsibilities so much
That instead of slowly climbing higher on that rope of personal success
I’ve fought against it and got caught in it so badly I made true
the prophecy I hated hearing from my own tired mind:

I am not important enough nor good enough to climb to the top.

And now I see perhaps I had a base to climb up higher from the start but kicked it away in my frustration
And now that I’ve taken apart my thoughts and dreams, and stretched them to what they really are, I realize they’ve always been transparent.

So here we go, time to show exactly what I’m made of

Those dreams will end up solid and no longer worthless in my mind.
I can only hope it’s not too late to find out what being alive really means to me.

September 1, 2013: City of Fools

I sleep on a bed with no sheets in a room with no pictures in a city full of fools
You can’t fool me into believing I don’t belong here
No drink will cheer me up,
The mindless chatter of the one too manys
and I wish I hadn’ts won’t push away the need to move on

I’m unsure of what I want to prove by sticking it through
When is it ever a good thing to be run by pride
But I’ve tried this life and it isn’t clicking in

My patience may be wearing thin
I may be itching for something new
Or this may just be a phase

God it’s amazing how finicky the mind can be
One moment I could breathe happy
and am so certain I love where I am

How can it be that months, weeks, days, hours later I wonder if I
ever really fit in at all

Bit by bit I feel myself being pulled back under

I can hear the thunder of the past

Back in the day when another woman spoke like me
But how can she come back when I am no longer her
Have beaten and ran from her

Here in this empty room
I can’t bring myself to smile at this new beginning

If my head is spinning it’s only from the contradictions
Decisions and Wants,
Needs versus Haves and
whether I Want and
Need what I
Have.

It’s nights like these I miss the room across the hall where I could crawl into the small space in a bigger bed than mine.
And those loving arms would let me know it would all be fine.

It’s lonely when the only loving arms I have are mine.

February 5, 2013: Distant Valentine

Dear Valentine,

I don’t know yet where you are. For now you remain a wish upon a star that I sent out with a tiny sparkle of hope in my unconnected eyes. Why then should I write this when you are nothing but a breeze upon my breathless heart?

Allow me to start with a few words for you,

I cannot say if you would feed a homeless man
Or give to others whenever you can
I cannot say if you stand tall and straight
Always clean, a confident gait

I cannot say if you love to run
Sweat dripping from the angry sun
Nor can I say we will ever meet

For my words today are a one-way street

But I can say that no matter what, no matter how you dress or how different your passions are from mine, that’s fine. Because valentine, if I am ever so lucky as to find you among the other wishes in the skies… I will love you with my wholeness from my awkward toes to messy hair and I won’t care about your stubborn pout and I’ll let you tell me all about your quirks that you don’t dare confess to the guys. (I must say it’s probably wise, and I cannot promise not to laugh, but I promise not to judge).  I hope you are not lonely on this day of expensive romance and as we continue this dance of coincidences and first kisses I hope you think of me,

Love,

The one you wish for on the stars
Your distant valentine